


The Hale Pack Adventures

by crankgameplays



Category: teen wolf - Fandom
Genre: :), Banshee Lydia Martin, Crack, Everyone Is Alive, Everyone lives, JUST, This is a lot of Tags, and derek will never admit he likes them, and warlock stiles, badass human fighter allison argent, betas erica isaac jackson and boyd, co-alphas scott and derek, hale pack consists of, he does the pep talks, it’s just a cute little text fic, no one dies, scott backs his plays and provides moral support, stiles likes to call derek pet names, they’re all alive, this is definitely teen wolf crack, wven tho derek makes most of the choices
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-05-04 22:12:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crankgameplays/pseuds/crankgameplays
Summary: stiles: he’s my honeyderek: i’m not your honey!stiles: yes you are!scott has left the conversation.





	1. honey

**Author's Note:**

> so this is a dumb and short little text fic that i wrote at like 6 am ? there will be more, maybe a few angst ones, and not all of them will be group chats! and some will be actual written out chapters that i write whenever inspiration fits. for now, enjoy! comments and kudos are always appreciated

allison: hellloooo hale pack  
scott: when did we decide this was a good name  
erica: when derek turned the majority of your betas  
isaac: when derek was 10 years older than you  
derek: i’m 6 years older thanks 

boyd: because derek has been a werewolf longer and knows more  
scott: why do you have to be so sensible, boyd  
allison: ANYWAYS  
allison: who wants to go to the art museum with me  
erica: no thanks i already looked in the mirror today  
stiles: yeah and i’m looking at derek right now  
derek: stiles you’re not inside my house  
derek: stiles where the fuck  
derek: STILES DID YOU INSTALL VIDEO CAMERAS IN MY HOUSE  
derek: HOW AND WHEN  
erica: i helped him  
derek: you’re both dead to me  
stiles: aw honey don’t be that way :(  
derek: i’m not your honey  
scott: this is disgusting  
isaac: i’ll go with you alli  
allison: too late  
allison: while you were bickering i invited lydia  
lydia: i’ve decided to go.  
allison: girls day!  
isaac: look what you’ve cost me derek  
isaac: petition to change the name to mccall pack  
scott: seconded!  
erica: denied  
boyd: denied  
allison: denied  
derek: i dont care  
stiles: denied  
scott: stiles... you betrayed me  
stiles: he’s my honey  
derek: i’m not your honey!  
stiles: yes you are!  
scott has left the conversation.  
allison has left the conversation.  
boyd has left the conversation.  
erica has left the conversation.  
lydia has left the conversation.  
jackson has left the conversation.  
isaac has left the conversation.  
stiles: it’s just us now  
derek: i am aware  
stiles: hi, honey  
derek: take the cameras out of my house  
derek:... honey.  
derek has left the conversation.  
stiles: he loves me.


	2. surprise!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stiles: i was reading through derek’s arrest reports  
> isaac: why on earth would you do something like that?  
> stiles: i research  
> stiles: that’s what i do  
> stiles: i’m the research man  
> lydia: okay so the point is?  
> allison: yeah what did you find out  
> stiles: his birthday is tomorrow

stiles has added scott and six others to the chat.  
stiles has named the chat hale pack rulez.  
stiles: guys!!!!  
stiles: i need help and i need it now  
scott: oh wait you forgot derek  
stiles: scott don’t  
scott has added derek to the chat.  
stiles: dammit scott!  
stiles: derek leave  
derek: no?  
allison: stiles why do you want your honey to leave  
derek: is this going to be a thing now  
derek: i’m not his honey  
derek: hello?  
derek: screw you guys

..

stiles has added scott and six others to the chat.  
stiles has named the chat derek’s surprise.  
stiles: scott don’t be an idiot this time  
scott: i’m sorry!  
scott: he’s blowing up my phone now  
stiles: yeah he’s mad we left him on read  
lydia: what is happening right now?  
stiles: okay so  
stiles: i was reading through derek’s arrest reports  
isaac: why on earth would you do something like that?  
stiles: i research  
stiles: that’s what i do  
stiles: i’m the research man  
lydia: okay so the point is?  
allison: yeah what did you find out  
stiles: his birthday is tomorrow  
erica: oh shit  
erica: does this mean what i think it means  
stiles: sure does  
stiles: surprise party!  
boyd: okay all excitement aside, what’s the plan  
stiles: okay alli i need you to keep him distracted tomorrow  
scott: why allison?  
stiles: because you’ll open your big mouth and tell him  
scott: fair enough  
stiles: the rest of you come to the abandoned hale house  
lydia: were having his party at the house that killed his entire family?  
isaac: seems a bit morbid doesn’t it?  
stiles: do you know a huge enough area to house a pack of supernatural beings that we can actually afford?  
erica: he’s right guys  
stiles: okay the rest of you come over, say around ten  
stiles: i know that will be hard because most of you don’t wake up till noon but i believe in you  
stiles: then come to the house and we decorate, get food, i’ve already ordered a cake  
scott: how long have you been planning this  
stiles: i havent slept in two days  
stiles: that’s not the POINT  
stiles: at around seven i’ll text him and tell him that we need help  
stiles: he’ll come to the house and you guys need to be as quiet as possible because of his weird hearing  
stiles: and then he’ll have fun  
scott: i dont think this is a good idea  
isaac: yeah i don’t even think derek knows what fun is  
erica: that’s what we’re here for  
erica: to show derek how to have fun  
jackson: i literally just woke up  
jackson: and you guys have spammed the fuck out of my phone  
jackson: with an idea to make derek hale, king of anti fun, suffer through hours of so called fun  
jackson: i’m not doing it  
lydia: first of all its eight at night  
lydia: second of all you’re doing it  
jackson: fine i’m doing it  
stiles: yes okay packs all in  
stiles: hale pack on three  
stiles: one  
stiles: two  
stiles: three  
stiles: hale pack!  
erica: no  
scott: no  
lydia: no  
allison: no  
boyd: no  
jackson: no  
isaac: hale pack!  
isaac: oh i thought we were doing that  
isaac: scott i can hearing you laughing at me  
isaac: guys?  
isaac: screw you guys

..

Stiles woke up a whole two hours before he was meant to arrive at the Hale house. He pounded his hand against his alarm, groaning as his head pounded slightly. After he had told the pack the whole plan, he’d drugged himself with as much Nyquil as safely possible, and slept for a whole twelve hours. He forced himself to sit up, and ten minutes after that he was walking himself to his bathroom and turning the shower on as hot as it could possibly go. After he decided that was too damn hot and he regretted all of his decisions, he turned the heat down. Within an hour he was out of his house, leaving only an hour for him to drive to the nearest party store. He stocked up on decorations; banners and balloons and paper plates and party hats and he even got Derek a crown. He got some white and some colored christmas lights as well. After that he drove to the bakery, one his father had recommended, and picked up the cake. It was red velvet, which Derek had told him once upon a time was his favorite flavor. The cake was decorated with the scene of a dark night, a full moon in the corner, and a wolf with its muzzle pointed upwards toward the moon. Cheesy, maybe, but Stiles thought it looked amazing. He had just enough time to drop it back off at home, leaving it sitting in the fridge so that the icing wouldn’t melt. He was at the Hale house at exactly ten am, and as predicted, no one else was there. He set about decorating by himself, his phone playing quiet music from where it sat on the banister. Before he even began to decorate he began to clean, and if he used a little magic to blow the dust out of the house then no one had to know. He strung up the lights he had bought the best he could, shoving tacks in the most necessary spots. With a snap of his fingers, the entire place was lit up, with different colors splattered across the entirety of the bottom of the decrepit Hale house. The sun was beating down on his back through the hole in the roof and his shirt was sticking to his back with sweat. Scott and Isaac showed up at around eleven, apologizing profusely for being late. Erica and Boyd were next, and then Lydia and Jackson were last. At around noon he got a text from Allison, telling him that Derek was being wooed and distracted with lunch and a movie. He sent her a smiley face and then put his phone back down. Scott went back out to his car and brought in a set of speakers, which he hooked up to Stiles phone so that the music was blasting through the house. It made decorating just a bit easier. At around two Stiles went out to get some lunch, and they all sat on the floor of the newly cleaned Hale house and munched their food. By four the entire house was practically sparkling clean, after Scott drove to walmart and picked up some cleaning supplies so that Stiles didn’t exhaust his magic. By five the house was fully decorated. They admired their work for a few minutes, leaning against each other in an exhausted and sweaty puppy pile. Stiles forced them all to stand up and leave, going home with just enough time to get ready. Stiles showered and dressed up nice, a pair of black jeans and a red and black plaid button up fitting tightly against him chest. He sprayed himself once with the cologne that he knows Derek likes, because it’s not overpowering and it smells good to his precious wolf nose. He stole one of the foldable tables from his garage, and packed it away into his jeep, then put the cake carefully on the passenger seat. He called in an order for a lot of pizzas and a lot of chicken wings, and the driver made a confused noise when he told him to go to the old Hale house. He didn’t question it though. He was once again the first to arrive, and he texted Scott and asked him to bring some chips and some drinks. He didn’t get a text back but he knew Scott wouldn’t let him down. He set up the table, placing the cake in the middle of it, and then went back to the car to get the gift he had terribly wrapped for Derek. He was a bit giddy, feeling his magic pulse through him as he turned on the lights and all the decor was practically glowing. Scott and Isaac came together, and so did Lydia and Allison. Jackson came with Boyd and Erica, and they were all dressed as nice as could be. Stiles watched on with approval as they all set their gifts down in a pile, and Scott unloaded the chips and drinks on to the table. The pizza man came by 20 minutes later, and Stiles paid him heftily and set the pizza and other things up on the table.  
“He’s gonna smell all the food,” Scott pointed out. Stiles pouted slightly. Surprising werewolves was such a hard thing to do.

“What do you suggest we do?” Stiles asked, crossing his arms over his chest. Erica pulled out a bottle of perfume, spritzing it a few times through the house. Scott wrinkled his nose.

“Hopefully Derek will be looking for our scent, not for the scent of food,” She said, dropping the perfume back into her bag. “Now go get your honey,” She grinned at him, and Stiles grinned back.

“Okay everyone hide. I’ll turn off the lights and text Derek,” He waited till the pack was in a proper hiding place, and then snapped off the lights. He walked out of the house, closing the door quietly behind him, and texted Derek.

stiles: derek i need help please  
stiles: im at the old hale house get here asap!

Stiles clicked off his phone and placed it in his pocket. He was leaning up against a tree, and within five minutes there was a half turned alpha standing in front of him, fangs extended and eyes red.

“What’s wrong? I can smell the pack all over the place. Are they inside?” His questions were calm but Stiles could detect the hint of panic.

“They’re inside. I got a nine one one text from Scott and tracked his phone here. I dont know what happened,” He should be an actor, because Derek’s eyes shot up to the Hale house with worry.

“What are waiting for?” He goes to take a step and then he stopped, sniffing the air. “Why are you wearing that cologne?” He asked, turning to Stiles with accusing eyes.

“Oh uh,” He stuttered, searching his brain for an excuse. “I was going to go on a date before Scott’s text,” He winced internally, and Derek stiffened beside him before letting out an uninterested grunt.

“Let’s go,” He growled, grabbing Stiles’ wrist and pulling him along to the house.

“Okay. Here we go, up to the house,” He dragged his feet when they reached the porch, Derek’s hand coming up to open the door. “About to walk into the house,” He spoke louder than he needed to, and Derek turned to glare at him.

“Stiles, shut up,” He growled out, and Stiles smiled up at him sheepishly. Derek just rolled his eyes and pushed open the door. At the same time as Stiles snapped on the lights, the entire pack jumped out of various hiding places, screaming their surprise. Derek looked relatively unsurprised, although he did look confused. He spun around, taking everything in, and then his eyes landed on Stiles.

“You did this?” He asked, tilting his head to the side. He didn’t look angry but he didn’t look happy either, and Stiles slowly nodded. Derek managed a weak smile, and then he disappeared, walking outside of the Hale house and leaving his pack behind. Scott was the first to approach Stiles, who looked incredibly hurt.

“He smelt happy,” Scott told him gently, laying his hand on Stiles’ shoulder. Isaac joined him with a sympathetic smile.

“But sad too. You should talk to him,” Isaac suggested, leaning up against Scott’s side. Stiles nodded slowly, and then cleared his throat.

“Help yourself to the food. Scott, get some music going. And no one touch the cake!” He ordered and then he followed Derek outside. He wasn’t hard to spot, sitting on the ground with his back pressed against a tree. “Hey, big guy,” Stiles sat down next to him, bumping their shoulder together.

“Do you always have to shove your nose into other people’s business?” Derek asked, and his voice was sharp and demanding. It was almost like his alpha voice, but where that was angry and controlling, this one had a hint of sadness.

“I was just doing some research. You never told me about your birthday and I wasn’t gonna let you spend it alone. Again. Like you have for the past three years,” Stiles pointed out. Derek glared at him.

“Last time I had a birthday I was turning sixteen. A couple months later and my entire family was killed in a fire. I’ve been alone for almost ten years. I celebrate my birthdays alone. Actually, I don’t celebrate them at all,” He looked up at Stiles, and he didn’t look like he wanted to kill him. “But thank you,” He said quietly. Stiles hummed, his fingers trailing through the dirt as he studied Derek carefully.

“Do you remember,” He began, catching Derek’s attention. “The day we first officially but unofficially hung out? The day that she shot you with that bullet?” Derek’s eyes flashed red at the mention of Kate but he nodded his head anyways. “I could have let you die, Der,” He said simply. “We thought you were a murderer. That you were evil and terrible and all sorts of no good. You would have been easy to kill, and it would have been easy to leave you for dead. But we didn’t. We saved you,” He smiled up at him. “You haven’t been alone since the day you came into our lives, Derek,” His voice was soft and careful, trying to convince Derek that everything was fine. That he wouldn’t be alone ever again. Derek sighed and stood up, holding his hand out for Stiles. Stiles grinned up at him and took it. “Let’s go party,” He said, and Derek just rolled his eyes but dragged him into the house. They spent the night as a pack, and Derek shoved Stiles when he saw the cake but Scott made sure that Stiles knew he could hear the uptick in Derek’s heartbeat, could smell the happiness rolling off him in waves. It made Stiles’ heart lift, and he felt lighter than he had in months. They saved presents for last. Erica chipped in with Boyd and they bought Derek a bed set. He’d been sleeping on a bare mattress, with one pillow and a torn up sheet. He thanked them, with a hug, and Erica spent a solid minute rubbing her scent across Derek’s neck. Small comforts, Stiles supposed. Isaac had bought him covers for the leather seats in the camaro, and Scott insisted that he helped buy it, as well as the card he handed to Derek. Stiles didn’t think he was ever gonna use them, but Derek seemed thankful enough. Lydia handed him a book with Latin across the front, and she quickly explained she had gotten it from Deaton. It was a history of all the packs in the Californian area. Derek wordlessly flipped through it, and then pulled Lydia in the tightest hug that Stiles had ever seen. When he flipped the book closed, Stiles saw the words Hale pack written across the top of the page. Allison was sheepish when she handed him a fifty dollar gift card to barnes and noble.

“I didnt know we were doing such heartfelt and expensive gifts. I didnt have time to get anything else,” She said sheepishly, but Derek insisted that he was grateful for it. Jackson handed him an unwrapped gift, a bottle of honey, with a smirk on his face. Derek flashed his red eyes, face set in a glare, and Jackson turned his head to the side with a whimper. Derek smirked in satisfaction and sat down, reaching for Stiles terrible and hideous gift.

“Wait!” He said, reaching over and grabbing the gift from him. His face turned pink. “I just need you to open it in private,” He said quietly. Derek raised an eyebrow at him, and the rest of the pack watched on with curiosity. They shrugged and stood.

“Come on, guys,” Erica said, her fingers lacing with Boyd’s. “Let the lovebirds have their moment alone,” She grinned at them, waving her fingers, and then dragged her boyfriend out behind her. The rest of the pack trickled out behind her, and Scott was the last. He gave Stiles a knowing look and then shut the door behind him. Stiles carefully handed the present back to him, and Derek gave him one last curious look before taking it and opening it slowly. He was greeted with a shock of Beacon Hills red, and when he pulled out the fabric all the way, the number ‘24’ was printed across the back in big bold letters. He set the hoodie down and looked at Stiles again.

“It’s my lacrosse hoodie,” He said quietly, twisting his fingers in his lap. “Well it’s not mine. I’ve never worn it. It’s brand new. I had to get it in your size and stuff so it’s never been like on my body,” He rambled. “Just look in the pocket,” He told Derek, who obliged and pulled out a tiny metal key.

“It’s a key to my house. My neighbors keep asking me about the strange man that stand in my window at night. So yeah. That is happening right now,” Stiles’ heart was beating erratically, and Derek could hear it pounding in his ears.

“Stiles, it’s okay,” He stood up, putting the key in his pocket and the hoodie on the table. Stiles stood after him.

“Thank you for the party. And the cake, and the everything. And the gifts. Do you want any help cleaning up?” Derek asked, looking around the house. Stiles shook his head.

“No. I’m just gonna leave it till tomorrow. I can coerce Scott into helping me,” He shrugged, waving his hand through the air.

“Okay,” Derek nodded slowly, reaching down to grab the hoodie and balling it into his hands. “Okay,” He didnt day anything else, walking to the door and opening it. “Thanks again,” He said, stepping out the front door. He turned to grin at Stiles. It was a rare sight. “Honey,” He clicked his tongue and closed the front door behind him. Stiles stared on in awe. Derek Hale. Three years later, and still a mystery.


	3. daddy?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derek: i cant control what he types.  
> scott: yeah but you can control him making out with you against your camaro  
> derek: what the fuck scott

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay i have a problem  
> these are so easy and fun to write and they’re slightly cracky and ooc and i love writing them okay i’m sorry comments and kudos are always appreciated and i love u guys

stiles has added derek to derek’s surprise.  
stiles has changed the name to hale pack rulez.  
stiles: i have a serious question  
isaac: why are you always the instigator of these chats  
stiles: because i’m a social butterfly  
stiles: and the rest of you are grumpy werewolves  
lydia: i’m a banshee, thanks  
allison: and i’m human, thanks  
stiles: I HAVE A QUESTION  
derek: what’s your question, stiles  
stiles: oh good you’re here  
jackson: oh my god stilinski can you pay attention in class for more than 5 minutes  
jackson: coach looks like he’s gonna kill you  
derek: no one is killing him but me  
isaac: is anyone else curious as to what this question is  
stiles: okay  
stiles: does anyone else think derek is incredibly hot  
stiles: and wants to fuck him  
isaac: once  
scott: no  
erica: i kissed him once  
jackson: no?  
lydia: i’m a lesbian  
jackson: ouch  
lydia: your fault  
jackson: OUCH  
allison: no i dont think any of us have  
stiles: okay yanno what  
stiles: who the fuck asked you guys  
boyd: you did  
jackson: control your boyfriend, derek  
derek: he’s not my boyfriend  
stiles: yeah, you tell them babe!  
derek: really, stiles?  
jackson: what was that? huh? not your boyfriend?  
derek: i cant control what he types.  
scott: yeah but you can control him making out with you against your camaro  
derek: what the fuck scott  
isaac: omg what  
allison: shut up when did this happen  
stiles: SCOTT  
stiles: YOU DUMBASS  
stiles: GOD  
derek has left the conversation.  
scott: i am scared  
stiles: you should be scared  
stiles: because if he doesn’t kill you i will  
isaac: i’ll protect u honey  
stiles: hey that’s my word!  
jackson: oh my god what is happening right now  
erica: stiles and derek are fucking  
stiles: no we’re not!  
boyd: are you sure about that?  
lydia: gay sex is not that bad  
allison: yeah i second that  
scott: ew tmi  
scott: but yeah gay sex is not that bad  
stiles has left the conversation. 

new message to: derek.  
stiles: are you mad at me?  
stiles: derek?  
stiles: der bear?  
stiles: honey?  
derek: i’m not mad.  
stiles: really because that period says otherwise.  
derek: you shouldn’t have told him.  
stiles: why? are you ashamed of me? don’t want the precious pack to know you’re dating a warlock?  
derek: no you idiot  
derek: because i was planning on telling everyone at the pack meeting tomorrow  
derek: where we could control their reactions  
derek: and answer their questions so they don’t blow up my notifications like they’re doing right now  
stiles: oh..  
stiles: yeah that’s a smart plan  
stiles: )))):  
stiles: i’m sorry honey  
derek: i know you are  
derek: just think next time okay  
stiles: yes sir  
derek: don’t call me sir  
stiles: yes daddy?  
derek: STILES


	4. scentmarking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stiles: oh well now you’re 25  
> stiles: and he can wonder what you’re doing fucking an 18 year old  
> stiles: (:

derek: stiles stilinski  
derek: why would you give danny my number   
jackson: oh actually   
jackson: that was me  
jackson: he asked why we were always hanging around you   
jackson: and he didn’t trust you so i gave it to him to interrogate you   
derek: JACKSON  
jackson: i’m imagining you doing scary alpha voice   
jackson: thank god i’m not at home to see that   
jackson: gotta get my education bye   
scott: OW ASSHOLE  
scott: you really had to howl just to punish jackson  
erica: my ears are ringing   
derek: if one of you fucks up, all of you get punished   
isaac: derek our entire class has ran to the window   
isaac: you’ve caused a commotion   
boyd: everyone’s freaking out about a wolf coming to eat us  
stiles: which one of your wolfy asses was that   
lydia: scroll up  
lydia: i’ve been silently reading along   
stiles: UH OH SPAGHETTIOS   
derek: YEAH STILES UH OH   
jackson: am i missing something   
jackson: besides my HEARING   
stiles: there’s no chance that danny still thinks you’re my cousin, is there?  
derek: no stiles   
derek: he knows exactly who i am  
derek: and he want to know what i was doing hanging out with a 16 year old when i was 22   
stiles: oh well now you’re 25   
stiles: and he can wonder what you’re doing fucking an 18 year old   
stiles: (:   
scott: WHY  
scott: WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN EVERY DAMN TIME   
scott: I JUST WANT ONE NORMAL DAY!   
isaac: oh please   
erica: don’t act like you can’t smell the sex coming from both of them   
jackson: seriously   
jackson: stilinski reeks of the derek’s jizz almost every single day   
stiles: derek rubs his cum on me   
derek: STILES GODDAMMIT   
stiles: it’s some weird scent marking thing   
boyd: yeah we know   
derek: please   
derek: you’re going to send me to an early grave   
derek: please just behave   
allison: hey guys   
allison: i was just coming back from the bathroom   
allison: why did i see scott running to the front doors while gagging   
allison: okay guys now he’s throwing up in the plants   
allison: is he sick  
stiles: yeah sick of me   
derek: yeah sick of stiles   
jackson: oh my god they really sent that at the same time   
erica: gross   
lydia: you guys are disgustingly perfect for each other


	5. detention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derek: stiles what are you doing   
> derek: stiles stop facetiming me   
> derek: goddammit, stiles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyyyy let’s ignore OOC stiles and derek and appreciate the fact i couldnstop being depressed enough to write a fic!

derek has started a conversation with stiles and isaac.   
derek: where the hell are you two  
isaac: calm down almighty alpha   
stiles: were at detention   
stiles: and harris is being a DICK  
derek: language   
derek: but yeah harris is a dick   
isaac: he’s keeping us here for two hours!  
stiles: can he even do that   
stiles: all he does is talk  
stiles: i’m so tired of hearing him talk  
derek: stiles what are you doing   
derek: stiles stop facetiming me   
derek: goddammit, stiles  
After the third try, Derek finally picked up. His gaze was pinched, eyebrows drawn down as he sighed, ever suffering as the boyfriend of Stiles.

“Hi there, darling,” Stiles grinned at the phone, the blurry image of Derek fading out for a second as Derek repositioned himself on the couch, to lean up on the back of it and fix Stiles with a blurry glare. 

“Mr. Stilinski!” Harris’ voice cut through the fog of Derek and Stiles staring at each other, lost in their own little world. “Who do you think you’re speaking to?” Stiles sighed, and stood up to bring the phone over to Harris. His boyfriend was suddenly grinning, feral with sharp teeth and a glint that could be seen even through the pixels of the phone. “Well well, Derek Hale,” His teachers voice was clipped, and Isaac looked up from his desk with a grin that scarily matched Derek’s.

“Mr. Harris. Always a pleasure,” His voice was dripping in sarcasm, and Stiles felt a little giddy because he knew his boyfriend was not about to go easy on his teacher. 

“If I recall, Hale, you never turned in an essay that costed you almost half your grade,” Harris said, little to no infliction in his voice; as though this conversation was something that happened every day, and he was bored of it. Derek froze on screen, his shoulders tightening. If there’s one thing Derek and Harris had in common, it’s that they could hold grudges. The phone shifted slightly as Derek leaned forward, something murderous in his gaze. 

“As I recall,” he snarled, and Isaac straightened up almost immediately at the disgust in his alphas voice, then curled away from it slightly. Stiles couldn’t help but feel the same. “That essay was missed after my entire home burned to the ground, killing eight of my family members, because you couldn’t keep your dick in your pants and wanted to impress some witch with your everlasting knowledge of chemical fires,” His voice was nothing but a deep snarl, and Stiles drew back from the phone a little. Harris was looking a little pale himself. This could go one of two ways; Derek loses his cool and goes full on alpha, or Harris pussies out and let’s them leave. Only one of those options is a good one for Stiles. The other one probably ends up with a dead boyfriend. Not something Stiles’ ever wants to think about. 

“Now now,” He tried to reason. “That wasn’t exactly how it happ-“ Derek didn’t even let him finish that sentence. 

“Enough,” He growled out, and out of the corner of his eyes he saw Isaac flinching, covering his hands with his head as though Derek was going to come through the phone just to go all alpha on him. “Send my boys home. Now.” And then the phone call was ended, the screen reverting back to the text messages between him and Derek, who was listened under his phone as Sourwolf. Harris handed him his phone back wordlessly, swallowing down a little harshly. 

“You’re free to leave,” His voice was stiff, and Isaac and Stiles wasted no time in hightailing it out of there. Stiles’ packed up his things as quick as possible, his awkward limbs flailing around a little bit as he packed up, and then he and Isaac were gone. Isaac climbed into his car, and they didn’t talk the entire time that they drove to Derek’s loft. Derek had seemed rightfully pissed, and Stiles couldn’t tell if it was just him threatening Harris as a way to get him and Isaac out of detention sooner rather than later. His jeep was barely in park before Isaac was out of the car, desperate to placate his alpha before things got out of hand. Derek didn’t think about his family, didn’t talk about them, because things go very very wrong if he gets angry enough. And talking to the person that had unwittingly assisted? Yeah, that’s angry enough. He wasted no time in jumping out of his jeep and rushing into the loft. Isaac was trying to talk to Derek, who wasn’t really responding, until he looked up and saw Stiles shutting the door quietly behind him. 

“Leaving now,” Isaac nodded his thankfulness to Stiles before hightailing it out of there, thundering up the steps. A door slammed shut, and then Stiles and Derek were alone. 

“Alpha?” Stiles called out softly. Derek turned to look at him, and he was smiling the softest of smiles. Stiles’ calmed down minutely. 

“Spark,” He greeted in return. They did that, sometimes, with no real reason for it. It just happened, one time, and it had felt right and comforting and they use it as a way to get through to one another, when the other is so gone into their own guilt that they needed something that familiar, something deep and primal that as much a part of them as their human sides. Stiles smiled down at him and then dropped down on to the couch. 

“Well school sucked, and detention was worse. Thanks for saving me from Harris,” He nudged his shoulder, and Derek just chuckled and wrapped an arm around Stiles’ shoulder. 

“He never liked me much anyways,” He just shrugged, like it was the easiest thing in the world. 

“I like you,” Stiles supplies and Derek grinned down at him. It was secret, almost, the way Derek was so easy and comfortable in Stiles’ presence. 

“Good thing you do,” Derek replied, leaning down to press a kiss to Stiles’ mouth. A very good thing indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments kudos and criticism is always appreciated! also i’m looking for a beta. someone that’ll push me to actually write when i’m lazy and will help me keep the boys from being ooc while also dealing w/ my sometimes terrible spelling and grammar mistakes. thank u guys i love u all so much and thanks for reading!


	6. pack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> scott: i hate this pack

derek: pack meeting   
derek: my loft   
derek: at 5, and if any of you miss it you’re grounded from the next full moon outing   
stiles: excuse me   
stiles: who made you the boss of us   
scott: literally you did   
isaac: you said hey derek you should be the boss of us   
scott: and then we had a vote and it was unanimous   
derek: you made me that plaque that said BOSS OF US   
isaac: didn’t it have sparkles?   
derek: it has a lot of sparkles   
jackson: has?   
jackson: hale did you keep his weird little plaque   
derek: yes i did and if you don’t show up to the pack meeting i’ll brain you with it   
stiles: now i know why i made you the boss of us   
erica: are you sure it’s not just because you wanna suck his dick  
scott: do we always have to talk about them having sex   
isaac: we could talk about us having sex instead   
scott: no we can’t   
stiles: no you can’t   
derek: i hate this pack  
derek: why is this my pack  
derek: i’m stuck with a second alpha in command which is just NOT how a pack runs   
derek: a banshee that can scream so loud it could literally kill someone   
derek: a human  
derek: a wizard that just so happens to be my boyfriend  
derek: and a werewolf THATS PART FUCKING LIZARD   
jackson: shut up that’s all your fault   
derek: no it’s not your horrible and cold heart made you a lizard   
jackson: you should have taken that into consideration   
lydia: are we really arguing over whose fault it is that jackson became a LIZARD   
allison: yes it seems that’s what we’re doing   
allison: i blame jackson  
scott: i also blame jackson but that’s just my undying hatred for him  
isaac: hey wait what about your betas   
derek: you guys are okay  
derek: but you’d be a lot better if you could get your hormone ridden hands off of each other for more than five seconds   
erica: it’s not my fault boyd is so irresistible  
boyd: honey no we will not be like stiles and derek and share the deepest darkest parts of our relationship   
stiles: first of all HONEY is my pet name no one can steal it   
stiles: second of all derek likes to tie me up   
derek: STILES IM GONNA BLOCK YOUR NUMBER   
stiles: no you won’t   
stiles: who would you call at three am for sex   
scott: OH MY GOD   
scott: I WANT ONE DAMN CONVERSATION WITH MY PACK  
scott: WITHOUT THINKING ABOUT MY BEST FRIEND FUCKING MY EX ARCH NEMESIS   
derek: we were never arch nemesises   
stiles: i don’t think that’s a word honey   
derek: JUST BE AT MY LOFT AT FIVE   
isaac: yes alpha   
jackson: yes alpha   
lydia: yeah sure whatever   
allison: if lydia goes i’m going  
derek: YOURE GOING BECAUSE YOURE PART OF THIS PACK  
allison: yeah sure whatever   
erica: do i have any where else to be?   
boyd: we’ll be there, der   
stiles: anything for my honey   
scott: as long as you and stiles don’t talk about fuckin each other   
stiles: we won’t   
stiles: but you’ll smell it on us anyways   
scott: IM LEAVING THIS PACK   
derek: no you aren’t   
isaac: no you’re not   
erica: i think the mcfuck not   
allison: don’t be such a baby  
scott: you’re a baby   
derek: this is ridiculous   
derek has left the conversation.  
stiles: YA SEE   
stiles: YA SEE WHAT YA DO   
stiles has left the conversation.  
scott: i’m in trouble aren’t i   
isaac: yeah honey   
allison: i think so   
erica: i think the mcfuck so   
boyd: erica stop saying that   
erica: i think the mcfuck not   
jackson: how did i get here   
lydia: you begged for it   
jackson: i can tell you something you used to beg for   
allison: yeah well now she’s begging for me   
jackson: OUCH  
scott: i hate this pack.


	7. wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derek: NO THERES NO WEDDING.  
> stiles: dammit i was so close  
> stiles: i’ll try again later

stiles: you know what i think is super smart  
stiles: i always keep a note in my pocket that says derek did it  
stiles: just in case i get killed  
scott: what the hell  
allison: why would you do that  
stiles: i don’t want him to remarry  
derek: stiles we aren’t married?  
stiles: WE COULD BE  
derek: not until you’re out of college and have a job  
stiles: you’re worse than my dad  
scott: i feel like this is the stiles and derek show  
derek: my name would come first  
stiles: no it wouldn’t  
derek: yes it would  
stiles: NO it WOULDNT  
isaac: oh my god stop fighting  
derek: were not fighting  
derek: were having a discussion  
stiles: were fighting  
stiles: whoever wins gets to marry the other  
derek: it’s not a fight it’s a discussion  
stiles: fight  
derek: ITS A DISCUSSION  
stiles: this is literally a fight  
isaac: YOURE FIGHTING OVER WHETHER YOURE FIGHTING OR NOT  
scott: theyre discussing  
isaac: honey they’re fighting  
erica: NOW YOU GUYS ARE DOING IT  
boyd: it’s infectious everyone save yourself  
jackson: damn boyd’s got jokes for once  
boyd: i’ll kill you.  
stiles: welp  
stiles: honey do you want a black or silver wedding band  
derek: WERE NOT MARRIED  
lydia: can i plan the wedding  
allison: i call bridesmaid!  
scott: alli there are no bridesmaids only groomsmen  
scott: i’m stiles’ best man  
isaac: i’ll be derek’s  
derek: no boyd will be  
derek: NO THERES NO WEDDING.  
stiles: dammit i was so close  
stiles: i’ll try again later  
derek: i give up  
p


	8. masturblazing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stiles: daddy derek yes

isaac: hey guys what would you call masturbating while smoking weed  
erica: highjacking  
stiles: weed whacking  
boyd: no guys wtf  
boyd: masturblazing  
derek: no actually it called disappointing your alpha  
isaac: damn that’s harsh  
stiles: yeah seriously derek  
stiles: it’s just a goof  
stiles: a gaff  
derek: stiles  
derek: don’t fuckin encourage them!  
stiles: but that’s my job!  
isaac: scott!  
isaac: mommy and daddy are fighting again  
derek: who’s daddy  
erica: well considering what i heard stiles screaming yesterday, you are  
derek: WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU GUYS ABOUT LISTENING IN TO MY CONVERSATIONS  
boyd: technically not a conversation  
isaac: technically rough wild werewolf sex  
scott has left the conversation.  
allison: aw this time he didn’t even say anything :(  
lydia: i like when he freaks out  
jackson: freaking out mccall is my specialty  
derek: leave him alone jackson  
jackson: i’m sure you’re using your alpha voice  
jackson: i’m so glad that i’m not there to hear it  
jackson: i love free will!

new message to: scott.  
jackson: hey scotty  
jackson: did the convo make you uncomfortable?  
scott: why the heck do you care  
jackson: oh i dont  
jackson: i just want you to imagine it  
jackson: your best friend  
jackson: getting pounded into the mattress by your partner and alpha in charge  
jackson: both of them all sweaty and moaning and smelling like sex.  
you can no longer send messages to this contact.  
jackson: HA  
you can no longer send messages to this contact.

send image to: hale pack rulez?  
image sent.  
allison: aw jacks  
allison: why you gotta  
isaac: he just called me  
isaac: i think hes crying?  
stiles: ew i dont even wanna think about that  
derek: HEY!  
stiles: sorry wolfy  
derek: i hate this pack  
isaac: daddy derek no!  
derek: do not  
derek: ever  
derek: CALL ME THAT.  
erica: uh oh  
erica: mommy do something  
stiles: daddy derek yes  
derek: i give up!  
derek has left the conversation.


	9. vocabulary

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> stiles: he didn’t   
> stiles: i did his homework for him

stiles: is there a word that’s a mix of angry and sad   
derek: disgruntled   
stiles: you would know   
stiles: those are literally your only two feelings   
lydia: malcontented   
allison: ha lydia’s word is better than yours!  
derek: you come up with a word then!   
allison: miserable   
boyd: boring  
boyd: i say desolated   
scott: wait i got one!   
scott: smad.   
jackson: jesus mccall how did you get through freshman year  
stiles: he didn’t   
stiles: i did his homework for him  
lydia: and i did yours jax so shut up?   
stiles: oh burn!   
derek: no one is doing anyones homework anymore   
stiles: aw der are you feel disgruntled   
derek: literally two minutes ago you didn’t know what that word was   
stiles: and now i know how much malcontent you must be feeling   
derek: oh my god why did we teach him this   
lydia: you were literally the first person to reply   
erica: i say this is derek’s fault!   
jackson: i second!   
isaac: jax you literally think nothing is your fault   
jackson: i literally don’t do that   
derek: yeah actually you do   
lydia: kind of yeah   
stiles: you’ve been doing it since elementary school   
jackson: literally fuck you guys   
jackson: i wouldnt even be here if derek could keep his damn claws to himself   
derek: you accused me of being on drugs   
derek: while i was DYING  
scott: you guys sound a little   
scott: smad.   
isaac: oh scott   
isaac: you adorable idiot


	10. dad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> derek: do you see me as a father figure, isaac?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m b99 trash so have this adapted version

isaac: hey dad are you picking us up from school today  
isaac: fuck  
isaac: i meant derek  
isaac: haha autocorrect  
scott: isaac i just watched you type that text  
scott: there was no autocorrect  
scott: you typed dad  
derek: do you see me as a father figure, isaac?  
isaac: no!  
isaac: if anything i see you as a bother figure cause all you do is bother me!  
stiles: HEY  
stiles: SHOW YOUR FATHER SOME FUCKIN RESPECT  
isaac: i didnt call him dad on purpose!  
isaac: it was autocorrect!  
derek: isaac it’s fine  
derek: i take it as a compliment, i promise  
jackson: it’s not a big deal  
jackson: i called lydia mom once when we were dating  
isaac: focus on that!  
isaac: jackson’s a weirdo with weird mom problems  
isaac: that somehow bleed into his sex life  
lydia: old news  
allison: he literally used me to get the bite  
allison: so yeah we been knew  
jackson: i didnt use you okay  
jackson: we were actually friends!  
jackson: and it wasn’t to get the bite it was just to threaten scott  
scott: still wanna kill you for that!  
erica: yeah jackson’s a freak we know  
erica: but you calling derek daddy  
isaac: uh uh  
isaac: daddy is not on the table here  
isaac: only stiles calls him that  
boyd: but you did call him dad, dude  
isaac: you shut up  
isaac: you don’t even care about us  
isaac: you’ve done nothing but threaten and glare since you got bit  
boyd: okay i mean i really do care about you guys  
boyd: but you did call him dad  
isaac: ah hah!  
isaac: it was the plan  
isaac: an elaborate ruse to get boyd to admit he cared about us  
isaac: and it worked  
derek: it’s fine i believe you  
isaac: thank you  
derek: son  
derek: you wanna talk about it later over a game of catch?  
isaac: i know you’re joking  
isaac: but yeah i kinda do  
derek: there’s my boy  
stiles: aww i have a son!  
isaac has left the conversation.


End file.
